Hamsters

I had tensions with someone very close to me last night, once he left my house, I cried like I have not cried for a very long time, probably the last time was when I knew there were no more chances to get back together with my exhusband, then we separated for good, didn't talk to each other for about 4 years. Now, I feel similar emotions, I know that despite not having a define relationship with him, I feel I won't see him again and I feel to have lost him for good. Perhaps when I when to sleep I wished not to see him again, remove the ring he gave me that I always had on me, we are hurting each other too much, but I learnt to love him after a year and a half, it hurts so much to know that it is the best decision I can take right at this time in my life. I could never commit to a relationship after my divorce and I don't think I will do for a very long time, I tried, but I fail every time, it is not fair on him as he is an extremely good and lovely person. He deserves someone that can spend time with him and share a life together. Right now I just want to be alone to achieve what I have not for the last 4 years, but it hurts.
Then I dream with hamster’s, as much as I hate mice, to me its the same, so, it was a bit disturbing to have dreamt with hamster’s pretty much just before I woke up, then went back to sleep, carried on dreaming the same.... then with a little fish (like a gold fish) that was jumping as it didn't have sufficient water, it then disappear from my eyes